Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
