theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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