it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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