Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
