recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
