Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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