true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
