Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
