How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
