She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
