Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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