i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
