have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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