I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
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