I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
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I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
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Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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