Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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