fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
