I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize