I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
