Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Randomize
