Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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