Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Randomize
