were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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