I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
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