glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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