someone threw a dead crab at me
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
