hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
