well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
