im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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