i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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