I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize