I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
You took a bar mat shot.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
