i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
