its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize