she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
