I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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