you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
