my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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