I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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