....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
