So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
