I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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