i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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