I heard we made out
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
