the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
