So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
