I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
You peed on a flamingo?!?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
