oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
