Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
she smelled like a LAN party
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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