i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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