My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
