he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
