saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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