Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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