If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
