everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
