I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
