My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
